Laugh of the day! 10-22-08

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, if they're small enough.

Laugh of the day! 10-21-08

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang.Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there''s a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!""It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"

Laugh of the day! 10-20-08

You're so ugly, I took you to the zoo and the zookeeper said, ''Thanks for bringing her back!''

Laugh of the day! 10-18-08

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang.Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there''s a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!""It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"

Laugh of the day! 10-17-08

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What''s in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man''s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

Laugh of the day! 10-16-08

Q: Why did God create blondes? A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Q: Why did God create brunettes? A: Neither could the blondes.

Laugh of the day! 10-15-08

What do you call a poodle with no legs?
A sponge.

Laugh of the day! 10-14-08

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
"Yeah, I''ve come to activate your phone lines."

Laugh of the day! 10-13-08

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.
"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer."

Laugh of the day! 10-10-08

One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.
Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. “My wife,” the man replied.
“I'm sorry,” said Bill, “what happened to her?”
“My dog bit her and she died.” Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, “My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well.”
Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, “Can I borrow your dog?”
To which the man replied, “Get in line.”

Laugh of the day! 10-9-08

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, ''''I''m Eddie, I''m here to pick up Betty. We''re going for spaghetti, is she ready?''''
"No," the farmer said.
The second beau came to the door and said, ''''I''m Joe, I''m here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?''''
"No."
The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''''Hello, my name is Chuck.''''
The farmer shot Chuck.

Laugh of the day! 10-8-08

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.
A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."
The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie."
St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "This is heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."

Laugh of the day! 10-7-08

What do a hurricane, a tornado, and a redneck divorce all have in common?
Someone's fixin to lose a house trailer...

Laugh of the day! 10-6-08

Two blondes were driving down the road.The blonde driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working. So the blonde looks out the window and says, ''Yes. No. Yes. No.''

Laugh of the day! 10-3-08

Yo mama's so ugly, the last time I saw something like her, I pinned a tail on it.

Laugh of the day! 10-2-08

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!"
"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '"We weren't making love."
"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were."
Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.
The husband says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!"

Laugh of the day! 10-1-08

A salesman is driving toward home in northern Ontario when he sees an Indian thumbing for a ride on the side of the road. As the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Indian gets in.
After a bit of small talk, the Indian notices a brown bag on the front seat. "What's in bag?", the Indian asks the driver.
The driver says, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."
The Indian is silent for a moment then says, "Good trade."

Laugh of the day! 9-30-08

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place

Laugh of the day! 9-22-08

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.

Laugh of the day! 9-20-08

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.